Monday, May 22, 2006

The Crush

My daughter has a crush. A long-distance crush that she has maintained for oh, about a month or so. He's the older brother of a friend back home. He has a truck. He's a hottie. With a job. He wants to take her fishing and camping, and shopping even. He is apparently all that and a bag of shoes.

Before she left for Arkansas, he had been calling her every night, and she would just go on and on about him when they weren't on the phone. "He said this and he said that and oh mom he's so sweet and we like the same things and he talks about marriage..."

WHAT! Hold on just a minute there, little miss OCD, you haven't even been on a date with him yet. You've still got some growing up to do, and you're not ready to make that kind of commitment. Trust me on this one. You need to slow down. "Mom! What's your problem? We're not talking about us getting married, we're just talking, you know."

So I warned her to be careful. Some guys will say anything. They have ulterior motives. They tell you what they think you want to hear, but they don't really mean it. "Oh really? Did Dad do that?" Of course. It's the oldest trick in the book. "What did he say to you?" I told her the magic words he had said to me, and she said "Mom! That is SOOO LAME! I can't believe you fell for that!"

I reminded her of the story in Genesis about how Eve had been deceived. Satan tempted her into disobedience with lies cloaked in truth. He appealed to her senses and convinced her that it was good for her because it was attractive and desirable. He uses the same tactics today.

I hope she remembers our conversation. And I hope Satan doesn't drive a truck.


BooMama said...

This post affirms that A. will remain in his room, with keys to absolutely nothing, until he reaches the age of 18 or perhaps even 21 - depending on how well he does in school. Thanks for affirming what I've known all along...the only way to protect our children is to hold them prisoner. Excellent lesson. Excellent. Well done.


Krissy said...

Brenda- I think you just opened my eyes to what my mother went through with me. Wow, it reminds me of ME when I was younger. Mothers really do know what's best and I am betting she heard every word you said- even though she gave you a hard time.

Blessed Beyond Measure said...

My advice - invite him to dinner. See if he's brave enough to spend time with you and your husband. Or move - far away.

Men only speak of marriage when they think its what we want to hear. My son, who is a great guy, told me any girl who thinks a guy cares what the wedding is like, is nuts. Flowers, cake, dress, music - they could care less. Even where the honeymoon is - could care less, but the honeymoon - bring it on.....I raised him, he turned out great but theyre still scary!

Barb said...

Boy Brenda, I so hear you. I used my own experiences as a guideline -- if she does what I did when I was her age, she's dead meat. Everything I did was s.n.e.a.k.y. There were rules, mostly set down by my Dad, and they weren't open to discussion or negotiation. If I broke the rules, I was in way big trouble. Since I know I did just about everything my Dad tried to make sure I wouldn't do, my secret with my girls was a "you can talk to me about anything even if I don't approve" approach. It worked. Somehow we survived the teen years and Krissy was 24 when she got married. Mandy's 24 now and not even dating anyone.

Bev's idea - just move - might work, too.

Krissy, remember the guy with the purple hair and all that body piercing who not only wore his ballcap backwards but also wouldn't look Dad in the eye? The one who's in prison now for dealing drugs? NOW do you understand why Dad said, "I don't think so" and slammed the door in his face?

Great post Brenda. I love it when the kids that gave us a hard time actually admit they did!


Barb said...

OK, I'm in trouble now. Mandys TWENTY-FIVE. Sorry honey, but someday you'll love it when people accidentally take a year off your age! xoxoxo

Diane said...

Mine is 18, and I cringe every time she leaves the apartment. But I use the open approach, too, Barb. And she is sharing with me, too. I'm glad I didn't go all stern and rigid with her. She's too much like me, and she would have rebelled, big-time.

Brenda, my advice is to try to have him at your place as much as possible, to see how he reacts and acts in your presence. That will tell you a lot. My daughter is often at home in her room with her boyfriend, necking on her bed, with the door wide open, and her Dad and I find lots of reasons to go by the open door. Casually, of course. And, my computer is in her room, so they're often in here when I am. Also, we have a tiny 4 room apartment, so you can't say anything anywhere in here without anybody hearing or knowing what's going on. I told her I'd rather her be here, where I know what she's doing, than out somewhere wondering what she's getting into. Just my system, and it works for me.

Jessica said...

I had a long distance relationship was really a bad situation but not all relationships end up like that...I wish you luck with this! :)

I just found your blog...if you stop by mine anytime'll see my kids in the adventure of planting their very first vegetable garden!!! LOL
Hope that you can find the time to come by my blog site and please post a comment when you do...I like for those who visit my site to let me know they've been there :) (you will need to 1. register (FREE), on the right side of my site before you post...this is just to make your visits more personalized, etc. and then 2. click "Leave Your Comments" back at the regular part of my site on any comments that interests you, and then 3. "Post Reply" once the comments page comes up and type your comment).

I'll try to visit your site regularly and hope that you visit mine as well! :) God Bless! :)

Brenda said...

BooMama - that approach would only result in delaying the rebellion, I'm afraid. I was 18 when mine started, and up until then I had been a regular goody-two-shoes. I may have been the only teenager who honestly wanted to obey her parents!

The only problem with inviting him to dinner is that he lives in Arkansas, where my daughter is for the summer. Her dad has been warned, and hopefully he'll remember what he was like when he was young. He did allow her to have the guy over to his house, and according to my daughter they got along fine.

Mainly I'm concerned with the way she obsesses over a guy - been there, done that, got the complex. I want her to stay focused on the important things and wait for God to choose her mate.

I agree with you that the open approach is best. She knows I'm looking out for her well-being and not trying to keep her from doing things she wants, and she does have a pretty good head on her shoulders (most of the time). I was 21 when her dad reeled me in, and I have to admit his line was pretty lame! That she also thought so is a credit to her.

Thank you all for your comments! I feel I'm in good company, and you've eased my mind.

Barb said...


Sissy said...

Brenda, What did he say to you?