Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Why Am I Here? Part II

Read Part I here.

Ah, surrender... I knew about that. I had done that all my life. I had given up my purity to a high-school sweetheart who would eventually abuse me. I had given away my dignity to subsequent boyfriends and a couple of one-night-stands who were done with me after they'd used me. I had forfeited my life, my identity, to a man who treated me like property and walked all over me. Hadn't I surrendered my children to him as well? I couldn't just give up on them!

Like Lot, I had compromised my testimony. I had made one huge mistake after another, I had trampled the blood of my Savior beneath my feet, and now I was certain that there would be a special place in Hell for me for having chosen that man to father my children. I was angry, frustrated, bitter, and oh so confused.

Can you hear my Father's heart breaking?

I had been so sure that I was finally on the right track; but like Lot's wife, I kept looking back. Why did I marry him? Why didn't I kill him? (What? Like the thought wouldn't have crossed your mind. Yes, I've thought it, and I've repented - every time!) Why didn't I fight?

Oh. Yeah. That. Obedience.

OK, so what's with all the doubt? Where is that coming from? (cue Churchlady voice) Could it be... Satan?

Whoa. You coulda knocked me over with. . . um, a pitchfork. Suddenly, I understood.

I was trying to fight a battle that was not mine to fight. 2 Chronicles 20:15

All the pain and grief that I had suffered, that I would ever suffer, was nothing compared to what my Savior had endured on the cross for me. How much deeper had I driven those nails with my foolishness? I had never been victorious in battle because I had been powerless, acting of my own accord, and I had surrendered unnecessarily to the enemy that He has defeated! I had accepted Christ as my Savior 25 years ago, and I was still wandering in the wilderness because I had never actually, sincerely, asked Him to be Lord of my life. There would be no victory for me until I surrendered my will completely to Him.

Lord, have mercy on my soul. It's a wonder I didn't drown in my tears that night. I was broken. I prayed the words of Psalm 51:10-17 and asked Him to prepare me to accept His will.

[I know now why I'm here. It was revealed to me last week as I was contemplating writing about it. I will divulge the reason, hopefully in my next post. I'm just so excited about how God is working that I feel compelled to share it. I did explain it to Sarah, but she still doesn't get it. Yet.]


Diane said...

Growing in God can be so painful and humbling, but when you finally open your spiritual eyes and "get it", WOW!! All that insight and scripture makes sense then! :-)

Keep writing, and I'll keep reading and encouraging, Deal? :-)

BooMama said...

You are queen of the cliffhanger! More! More!

I love reading how what and how God teaches other people...and as an added bonus, He's using you to teach me, too!

Brenda said...

I wish I had begun journaling long ago. I've chosen to do it in this format so that I can be an example, even if it is in a don't-let-this-happen-to-you kinda way.

A friend once told me I anal-yze everything, and I admit that I do, but (pardon the pun) I often don't realize how far I've come until I see where I've been.

Then there's that whole accountability thing.

Great big hugs to both of you!