Read Part I here.
Ah, surrender... I knew about that. I had done that all my life. I had given up my purity to a high-school sweetheart who would eventually abuse me. I had given away my dignity to subsequent boyfriends and a couple of one-night-stands who were done with me after they'd used me. I had forfeited my life, my identity, to a man who treated me like property and walked all over me. Hadn't I surrendered my children to him as well? I couldn't just give up on them!
Like Lot, I had compromised my testimony. I had made one huge mistake after another, I had trampled the blood of my Savior beneath my feet, and now I was certain that there would be a special place in Hell for me for having chosen that man to father my children. I was angry, frustrated, bitter, and oh so confused.
Can you hear my Father's heart breaking?
I had been so sure that I was finally on the right track; but like Lot's wife, I kept looking back. Why did I marry him? Why didn't I kill him? (What? Like the thought wouldn't have crossed your mind. Yes, I've thought it, and I've repented - every time!) Why didn't I fight?
Oh. Yeah. That. Obedience.
OK, so what's with all the doubt? Where is that coming from? (cue Churchlady voice) Could it be... Satan?
Whoa. You coulda knocked me over with. . . um, a pitchfork. Suddenly, I understood.
I was trying to fight a battle that was not mine to fight. 2 Chronicles 20:15
All the pain and grief that I had suffered, that I would ever suffer, was nothing compared to what my Savior had endured on the cross for me. How much deeper had I driven those nails with my foolishness? I had never been victorious in battle because I had been powerless, acting of my own accord, and I had surrendered unnecessarily to the enemy that He has defeated! I had accepted Christ as my Savior 25 years ago, and I was still wandering in the wilderness because I had never actually, sincerely, asked Him to be Lord of my life. There would be no victory for me until I surrendered my will completely to Him.
Lord, have mercy on my soul. It's a wonder I didn't drown in my tears that night. I was broken. I prayed the words of Psalm 51:10-17 and asked Him to prepare me to accept His will.
[I know now why I'm here. It was revealed to me last week as I was contemplating writing about it. I will divulge the reason, hopefully in my next post. I'm just so excited about how God is working that I feel compelled to share it. I did explain it to Sarah, but she still doesn't get it. Yet.]