Saturday, July 15, 2006

Email from Home

Y'all, you may remember my mentioning that I get a lot of email from family members, but very few of them are ever personal messages. Most often they're those crazy "say a prayer and pass this on to 7 people and you will see a miracle" ones that have the opposite effect on me (irk rather than bless). But sometimes, something worth reading makes its way into my inbox. Usually it's something I've seen before, but isn't something I mind seeing again. Like a Vonage commercial or an episode of The Brady Bunch. This email from my mom is a good example. It's been around who knows how many times, but like any good rerun, it's worth a laugh or two.

And so, without further ado, I present the (screechy horror flick music) Email From Home:

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SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
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And there ya have it folks. Kinda makes ya homesick don't it?

14 comments:

Tammy said...

Don't you just love some of those lovely forwards... especailly the ones that tell you will have good luck for bothering- I mean forwarding them onto- 25 good friends and loves ones! ;)
Blessings,
~Tammy

Barb said...

Rob lives by the W-D 40 and duct tape rule - especially the duct tape. If it can't be repaired or remodeled with duct tape, not worth saving in his opinion. And number three, ew. Your mom sent you this, huh? 'splains where you got your quirky sense of humor! :-)

Barb said...

Hey! This is cool. Have you ever clicked on that little wheelchair next to the word verification spot in blogger comments? Try it. Very cool.

Brenda said...

Oh, she didn't make it up, she just forwarded it. But yeah, I got quirky genes alright.

Diane said...

We REALLY need to compare family trees. I don't think mine branches much, and I suspect we might have a common relative somewhere back there! ;-)

I've gotten this email several times, too. :-)

Grafted Branch said...

I, for one, have never seen it before -- so thanks for a good laugh!

Dawn said...

That's a new one for me, too. Cracked me up! Thanks for a good laugh on a Sunday early morning (I already have dinner ready and am trying to catch up on banking, etc., before heading for church and then out of town for another few days).

Melanie said...

Funny. I like the one about the bedpan!!

Shash said...

Great one, I've never seen this one before, I'm gonna have to clip that and send it around! Very clever!!

Paulette said...

Hey Ms. Brenda, just checking in on you and you have been quiet so I wanted to say hi. Hope you are doing ok, I miss ya girl.
have a great day!!

Paulette said...

LOL its awesome!!! I love the header... Your kiddo's are precious. Im still prayin...
Thanks for letting me know you are ok. good nite

Tracey, in MI said...

Brenda, you're being spotlighted in the CWO Team blog today- I desperately needed a good laugh, and you were there to provide one! Thanks!

http://www.christianwomenonline.net/blog.html

Barb said...

Someone's been using BooMama's how to change your header instructions. I love it. Is this a personal photo, do you know these kids? Because they look like a great little bunch. Very sweet. xoxoxo

Geekwif said...

I have to agree on those "blessing" emails. Rrrrgggg. SO annoying!

This on, on the other hand is hilarious! I've never seen it before, believe it or not. I love it! Thanks for a good laugh.