Email from Home

Y'all, you may remember my mentioning that I get a lot of email from family members, but very few of them are ever personal messages. Most often they're those crazy "say a prayer and pass this on to 7 people and you will see a miracle" ones that have the opposite effect on me (irk rather than bless). But sometimes, something worth reading makes its way into my inbox. Usually it's something I've seen before, but isn't something I mind seeing again. Like a Vonage commercial or an episode of The Brady Bunch. This email from my mom is a good example. It's been around who knows how many times, but like any good rerun, it's worth a laugh or two.

And so, without further ado, I present the (screechy horror flick music) Email From Home:

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SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto. The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.

4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.

5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.

6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives. Then you will be afraid to cough.

7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.

Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:

You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn't move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct tape.

Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.

If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.

And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
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And there ya have it folks. Kinda makes ya homesick don't it?