I was counting on Lindsey to encourage Sarah to come back here for school next month, but when I spoke with her 2 days ago, she informed me that they both want to stay with their dad for the school year. My heart lurched at the news. I tried reasoning with her and reminded her of all the progress she made while she was here. Listening to her responses, it seems that since she's been there, she's forgotten all the reasons they need to be here. I know why they want to be there, and it isn't about preferring their dad to me. It's about doing what they want to do. It's about being resistant to change.
She has lapsed back into rebellion, hanging out with the same old friends and lying about where she's going with whom. She talks tough, as if her hummingbird butt could actually back up her alligator mouth: "Friend 2 showed up where we were and tried to get me to go with her to get the clothes I borrowed, but I wasn't about to leave so she shoved the door and it hit me, and I was gonna kick her @$$, but Friend 1 got in between us and I couldn't hit her...." It sounded like a transcript of the Jerry Springer Show. And my child using that kind of language with me? Not OK. But it's not just the language, it's the whole I-can-do-and-say-anything-I-want-to-and-get-away-with-it attitude.
I spoke with her again yesterday, hoping that something I said had gotten through. Nope. Same in-your-face tone. "If we went to court, the judge would ask us where we want to live,and we would get to stay here." I'm so tired of it all, and I'm angry.
Sarah wasn't as adamant when I spoke with her, so I don't really know what's going on in her mind, or her heart. I'm hoping that she's softening up and realizing that I am trying to do what's best for them.
After our conversation ended, I thought maybe it wouldn't be so bad if Sarah were to come here and Lindsey were to stay there. I've had it with her disrespectful attitude. Let him deal with it. Maybe that is what she needs.
I shook that thought out of my head and paused to assess my anger. I'm not angry at God, at least I don't think so, and I know I have no right to be. He hasn't failed me, I have failed Him, and not only has He has forgiven me, He has drawn me closer to Him. Satan is furious. He has launched an all-out attack, concentrating his efforts on the one area in which I am most vulnerable - my children. He would like nothing more than for me to give up hope.
I refuse to give him the satisfaction.